A lover's heart

Her whispers made my ears hurt. I turned over, throwing an arm over the woman who shared my bed. She turned over too, a soft smile gracing her sleeping face, just as I remembered, just like the first time I met her. 

The sleepiness subsided as my vision focused on the girl in front of me; it wasn’t HER. The woman in front of me didn’t have the same bright sparkle as her, didn’t have the eyes that saw through to my soul when I first met her, and didn’t have the same expressive face when she slept. A heavy weight tugged at my chest as I rolled on my back. As the memories of her consumed my thoughts, her whispers danced around the large bed chamber. 

I glanced over at the creaking door. She stood there staring at me with her soft eyes, her golden hair loose and free. Her lips formed a small, shy smile. Still dressed in her pale yellow dress. I threw the covers off, calling out to her. She immediately turned and ran from me. The bed groaned from the woman I left behind.

The hallways were a void, a thick black mass that clung to everything that entered it. I regretted not lighting any candles as I followed the soft, padded footsteps. 

It reminded me of when she led me down London’s cobbled streets like this, as she hurriedly weaved in and out of people. She seemed so determined to see and visit everything that day, showing me everything that brought joy to her soul. Seeing her eyes light up like that made her even more beautiful. I kept fighting back the urge to kiss her in front of everyone, too scared and afraid. The only difference was that her hand was in mine, our fingers entwined as she urged me to follow her. And in the hallway, I could still feel her hand in mine with heavy coldness attached to it. 

I had finally found her in the library; she glowed ever so softly as she sat in an armchair, a book in her lap. As I looked down at her, her eyes looked up to meet mine, so innocent and filled with love. I remembered then that I had kissed her in front of everyone. Her little gasp as she stopped and stared at me for a little too long with those eyes, then a smile began to form before she threw her arms around me and kissed me again. I was no longer scared to kiss her; I wanted her to know that throughout the day, all I could think of was kissing her. 

My shaky hand reached out to her face as I leaned in, and instead of her soft, gentle lips, I was met with cold air. 

Gone, again. 

***

I splashed cold water on my face, hoping it would get rid of the tiredness from the night before, but as I looked up, she stood behind me. Staring at me with sad, glassy eyes. 

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, too afraid to turn around and face her. Tears streamed down her face as she tried to smile through them. I continued to stare in silence, waiting as the cold pressure on my back grew.

Her mouth moved. Only a strangled sound escaped her throat before she closed her mouth to let more tears descend hideously down her face, and mouthed to me. 

‘Why?’

‘I loved you’ 

And just like always, she faded away, barely able to exist for no longer than mere moments. 

I kept seeing her everywhere I went. While I strolled around icy London with someone else's hand in mine, I could still sense her hand. When I looked into a store, I could see her browsing the shelves. When I turned the corner, I could see her flicker past me, as if in a rush.

When we had sat down for lunch, I caught glimpses of her walking by in the window. I thought I had seen her sit at a table, smiling and laughing with others, but by the time I took a second look, it was no longer her. 

‘Darling, are you okay?’ Vinnie asked. 

Vinnie was different to her in so many ways. She’s more bubblier and the life of the ball. Her brown mousy hair was always tied up and neat. She was someone whom I could pretend to be normal with and meet expectations. I could read what she wanted and what she expected of me. With Vinnie, I knew my place and who I was supposed to be. 

 ‘Yeah, sorry, just thought I saw someone I knew’

Vinnie turned to look around, her pearl earrings swinging from side to side. ‘Maybe it’s best we go home to rest, dear.' She said, turning back and placing her hand on mine.

It had started to snow by the time we got back to the manor it was snowing heavily. I ordered the fireplaces to be lit while Vinnie left to change.

But as I stood alone, I could not help looking around my own place for any sign of her. I listened to the silence till all I could hear was ringing. I sighed and walked around, filling the space with the sound of my shoes. I can’t remember the last time I saw her, the last time I heard her voice, let alone her voice ring with laughter. She would always laugh and smile for me; it filled me with such joy to hear it. 

I ran my fingers along the piano, tiny little notes hanging in the air. I took my seat and began to play a family tune, only to play a lighter melody, one that reminded me of summer, of her laughter, of her golden presence. And in that moment, I felt her sit beside me, a bitter-sweet smile on her lips as she watched my fingers dance across the piano for her. She stared so intensely at my hands, up at me and then back to my hands. 

I used to love playing the piano for her.

Soon her fingers joined mine on the piano. I smiled and looked at her. Vinnie smiled to herself as she focused on the piano.

I stood abruptly, too abruptly that Vinnie looked at me in terror. ‘What’s wrong, dear? I’m sorry. I just saw you playing and couldn’t help myself.’ She turned and looked at the piano.

I looked all around the room for her. I wanted to see her again. I needed to see her again. 

My hand rested on my chest, upon the heavy feeling that sinks its claws into me as I slowly stepped back towards the window and away from Vinnie. 

‘Are you okay, my dear?’ She stood up from the bench and made a start towards me. I shook my head so violently that it froze her in place. ‘Maybe, maybe I should go.’ Her voice was so timid and broken. 

Her heels echoed across the marbled floor as she hurried to get everything ready. I stood in place, an invisible force keeping my feet nailed to the spot and the weight upon my chest. 

As soon as the horse and carriage rushed far away from this manor in the ever-increasing snow, I was finally released. I began yelling her name. I flung every door open, yelling her name into all the empty rooms. My feet pounded on the floors, yelling at the top of my lungs, hoping she could hear me. 

‘Where are you?’ I yelled as I ran back to the main stairs. ‘Please, I’m sorry” 

There was a stillness in the air. Was she with me now? Had she heard me?

I stood at the top of the stairs, yelling into the large space as tiny spikes crawled up my back and neck. ‘I miss you, I’m sorry… please come back to me’ 

I fell to my knees. the house might as well as been empty as I sat alone with my lost lover nowhere in sight. Who was I kidding? Why would she still love me? Was all she wanted to do was torture me? I thought I had everything in control. I thought that by moving on, I was saving us both, that I would no longer dream of her or even think of her. 

The large oak doors blew open, a deafening cracking sound making her presence known. The snow beyond the door seeped through. The pure white snow called to me as the harsh wind wrapped around my body. I sluggishly got to my feet and made the steps one by one. 

I yelled her name as I looked around the heavenly-coated land. Only the wind rang in my ears. I called again, hugging myself. ‘PLEASE.’ I begged. Through squinted eyes, I looked around for her golden glow.

On the far left stood a tree still in full bloom. The snow had settled on the leaves, weighing them down, anticipating the dreaded plummet. 

I shakily made my way through the snow, feeling the dampness consume the inside of my shoe and the cold bite at my feet like a hungry dog. 

I kneeled at the base of the tree. Something called to me from beneath. I dug my hands through the snow, letting the cold take hold of them. 

I dug, and I dug, slowly it started to creep back to me. I dig faster, the cold wind stinging my eyes and nipping at every bit of me. 

I can hear her calling to me

I can hear her cries, her sobs

I held her in my arms once more in the pit I once dug myself. She no longer had her gold glow, and the sparkle had all fizzed out. As a hole in her chest laid open for me. 

I did this to her, I clutched her to my chest as I shivered. I did this to her, even though  I loved her. 

I loved her too much… she loved me too much. 

That night, I took her heart. She had looked so pretty and innocent as I craved her, even though she was mine and I was hers. 

I had made her mine that night, and yet, consumed by love, I wanted all of her.

The knife had cut through her like butter as her blood bubbled up and spilt out onto the bed. Her blue eyes were wide and glassy, even though she spoke no word of protest; she had given herself to me. 

Her heart was such a small thing considering the never-ending love she gave me, the sweet words that had coated her lips and tongue, and the never-ending affection that never ceased to end.

The first bite was a shock. Soft and juicy. The rest was pure bliss as I could taste her essence as the metallic smell filled my nose. I couldn’t help myself after I took the first bite; I kept wanting another bite; there was no stopping me. Only by eating her whole heart could I feel satisfied. I had devoured her fully, her blood stained my mouth, dribbling down my chin and down my neck.

Her blood stained my empty hands, and with those hands I slowly held her face and kissed her lips one last time. 

Out of selfish love, I had consumed her. And the woman I loved laid cold in a ditch, and I still yearned for her. I still wanted her. 

She took up all my waking thoughts. She is the person my eyes searched for on their own accord, hoping just by luck she would still be standing there smiling at me. 

With stiff bones, I hauled myself out of the ditch and back into the warm manor, the melted snow dripping off of me as I made my way to the bedroom.

Under the bed was a plump purple pillow. Brought out to the winter light, the knife still shone underneath the crusted blood.

I walked back out of the manor, determined, the knife as light as the night I carved her heart from her chest. 

Amongst the snow, in a pale glow, she had stood beside her grave, waiting for me.

I stood at her grave and looked down at her decaying body, the discolouration of her cheeks that always glowed red when I looked at her. Her lips were an icy blue. Her eyes closed in sleep. 

‘I'm sorry.’ I choked out and gripped the knife tighter. 

I had dressed her in her favourite colour, yellow. She always reminded me of the summer; she was my ray of light, and I had snuffed her out, always to taste the summer sun on my tongue, always to have the heavenly light around me, to have her forever. I had cut the hole in her dress to match the one on her chest. Even without a heart, she was still as beautiful as the last day she was alive, and her love still sang in the air around me.

‘I love you, please don’t think I did this out of hate.’ Speaking was difficult as the wind and her cold presence hugged closer to me.

‘Even if you weren’t a ghost, you would still haunt my thoughts, my dreams and my heart’ She stood at my side, placing a gentle hand on my arm, looking up at me with her shimmering eyes. 

‘I love you, I will never stop loving you. I missed you every day I spent apart from you. I will always continue to look for you in everything, and I will continue to see you in my dreams.’ 

One foot hung over the edge of the grave. 

‘And yet I can’t bear to see another day break without you by my side.’ I jumped down into the grave and knelt on top of her. 

‘I'm Sorry.’ I whispered as I brought the shake knife into view. I could feel her watching from behind.

‘Take me by your side again.’ I breathed in as I placed the tip of the knife against my chest and angled it just right.

‘I love you.’ I repeated as I gripped the handle tight, as I broke through the thin, damp clothes and then my skin.

I whispered her name as a prayer as I drove the knife sharply into my own heart.

My blood painted her with life again. I fell to the side in numb agony, her name still repeating in my thoughts. Her ghost no longer stood at the grave as my vision began to fade, and the feeling in my body dissipated. 

The snow covered us both in pure white while our love ran red beneath.